Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
