I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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