i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
