I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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