Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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