just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
