I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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