I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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