The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
