My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
