So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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