I am in a vortex of obligation.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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