theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
