Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
