Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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