Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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