you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
