Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
