She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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