1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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