if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
