I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
