Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
