But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
