I need to stop coming to work sober
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
