Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
