one word: firstdatebathroomanal
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
