my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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