Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
