the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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