I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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