i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
