yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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