i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
