The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
