I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
