my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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