I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
