Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
