i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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