My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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