I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
How external is "for external use only"?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
