life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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