In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
