Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
