I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
