his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
