I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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