she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
