You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
