i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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