theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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