I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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