There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
