3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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